One day
We’ll wake up in the morning
Feel the warmth of the sun
The air in our lungs
The freedom of being ourselves
And smile.
We’ll have made it through this, together, stronger.
Hope is what keeps us going,
It shines a light in the right direction
The direction that leads us away from here.
To a happy place.
Not much longer now, hope won’t let us down.
Not a penny in his name
He spends it on his addictions
No groceries to be bought, only his high profile career is important
Pathetic in the inside and all high & mighty on the outside
2 children to feed, career comes first…. A career which costs
We are nothing.
Nothing.
These chains I will break. In due time. In due time.
Apparently…
I am nothing without him.
Worthless. Useless.
The children and I would be living in a dumpster if it weren’t for him.
He is smart.
We are not.
He is successful.
I could never be.
Dreading his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to us.
We must be VERY careful about what we say.
No opinions are permitted.
No feelings allowed.
No emotion is accepted.
We are: Ridiculous. Retarded. Childish. Weak. Dumb.
My boys, are everything. They are life. My life. They light up everyone they meet.
Everything about them amazes me.
They are strong. Funny. Loving. Hopeful. Caring. Compassionate souls.
I protect them with all that I have, from “him”.
His threats.
His hate.
His anger.
His trickery.
We walk on eggshells. Every day.
To leave this hell, is the only thing on my agenda.
It’s been a long, continuous stretch of hurtful days and nights. I have finally broke down to it.
Quiet.
Withdrawn.
Hateful.
Almost lifeless.
Me.
This is where he turns into the “nice” guy.
Until I build my strength back up. Then he turns back to the “worst” guy.
Him.
Sometimes I forget that he is a heartless soul and try to converse with him.
His comment: “If I thought like you I’d cut my throat.”
I prepared and steamed a variety of vegetables for dinner while he barbecued his meat outside.
I let him know that the veggies have been served and the children are at the table.
His comment: “Why the fuck are you BUGGING me?”
I awoke one night from a nightmare. Told him that I had been kidnapped.
His comment: “Why would anyone want to kidnap you?”
I resonate with this…
I was like a trapped bird with broken wings
Kept in a cage called “domestic abuse”
I couldn’t sing my song until I found my voice
And it sang a hauntingly beautiful song called “Freedom”.
I couldn’t escape my cage until I set myself free
And I couldn’t be free until my magnificent wings were mended and ready to fly
But when I flew like a bird and I breathed freedoms air
Safety and peace of mind became my new home
– Evie Angel
1. Does he act out in verbally aggressive behaviors, or does he have ‘rages’, especially if he feels he has been insulted in some way? Does he blame ‘you’ or accuse you of being the one that is ‘acting out’ or ‘out-of-control’? YES
2. In the beginning was he just ‘too good to be true’? YES
3. Does he rely on you financially, or does he ask you to help him fund things? YES
4. Does he often spend outside of his budget? YES
5. Is everything always about him and is nothing ever about you? Does he seem insensitive to your needs, unappreciative of your input, or non-acknowledging of your accomplishments? Does he not recognize your giving, kindness, and thoughtfulness? Does he seem genuinely not interested in your life? YES, YES, YES, YES
6. Is he controlling? Do you often feel manipulated? YES YES
7. Does he show one side (Dr. Jekyll) to the public (a perfected persona which you know is fake), and another side (Mr. Hyde) to you in private? Does he go out of his way to impress people? YES YES
8. Does his ego bruise easily, or is he hyper-vigilant to the slightest insult? Do you have to be careful how you word things or voice grievances? YES, YES
9. Does he expect special treatment or feel he is ‘entitled’ to it? YES
10. Does he talk about himself more than you feel is normal? YES
11. Does he avoid eye contact with you, or does he withhold sex or affection? Has he been unfaithful? YES, Wouldn’t doubt it
12. Does he seem to lack empathy or compassion for others, or does he ‘fake’ it to enhance his ‘public persona’? YES
13. Do you feel emotionally battered and confused? YES
14. Have you noticed your confidence or self-esteem slipping? YES
15. Is he histrionic? In other words, in public does he hog the limelight, putting on exaggerated shows and telling fascinating stories of himself in order to be the center of attraction? Is he loud or does he act like he is on stage when engaging in simple conversations with other people? YES, YES
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